Rough Draft Fantasy Football: Week Nine
Kano the Playboy (Kane’s Team) vs. Nun but a Tree Thing (Mike’s Team)
Kane: Don’t call it a comeback! For realz, don’t call it that, this is probably going to be my last win for the season. D to the Brees, my man! D to the Thomas, crushing it! D to the Murray, you sure put that helmet on. Joe Mixon came to play and Jake Elliot kickin it ol school through the uprights. My team feels like that movie about the shitty soccer team from the 90’s. You know which one I’m talking about? That fat red headed kid from the Sandlot who says “you’re killin me smalls” is in it? Green-something, I think it’s a Disney movie. Remember? Okay, forget that analogy. My team is like the beginning of The Mighty Ducks, they suck and I’m Gordon Bombay doing my community service…. but there is a sliver of hope.
Mike: Well, this hurts. Here I thought my mad group of chainsaw wielding nuns had the fantasy football equivalent of a week long vacation at the Jersey Shore. With nights full of hookups, sunshine, and dangerous carnival rides, BUT NOOOOOOOO. Dumb dumb Kane and Drew Brees decided to shit all over us! RUSSELL WHERE WERE YOU? You were constantly driving the field but you couldn’t close the deal! You would never be allowed on the Jersey Shore. You’re that guy that talks sweet game all night and then when it’s time for a fist pumping three way kiss with two DTF hotties you TURN AWAY! You go home and do laundry or something. I can’t emotionally handle this anymore. If you need me I’ll be in my tanning bed eating buffalo wings.
LA Paw (Sean’s Team) vs. Hooligans (Jay’s Team)
Sean: Wow. Talk about a rough draft! YAAAAWN… Oh, did I have another game last week? What happened? Oh another win? Makes sense.
First, let’s get into Big Irish Dumb’s stupid, half-assed attempt at a summary. Great content, man. Way to put in a “A” effort.
“I mean I don’t know if you can truly call this a “win” for Sean.” – Jay Hollingsworthnothing
Let’s tackle this boo-hoo remark. I think when you win and get a ‘win’ on your stats and they call you a winner and say you won, you won.
I think it’s pretty safe to say that I’ve scored the most points this season and Jay has been EXTREMELY lucky most of time. If we played each other every week, we’d be 7-2, my favor. So, suck it. We match up again in another couple weeks for the final time. Well, until the finals. I’ll see you on the field, stupid.
Now, back to my game.
I ROCKED Jay’s worthless team by 30+ points, which is pretty normal for the Paw. I’ve lost two starting QBs, three starting WR, and my talent and skill for finding the sleepers and statistical leaders is still remarkable and unchallenged. To watch me select each week’s lineup is like watching the genius of Kanye West lay down the last edits of his prolific musical creations. You can’t argue that what you’re witnessing is inspirational, righteous, and unquestionable.
Speaking of, next week I’m up against the Nun’s. They haven’t planted their final lineup, but it’s looking pretty good for this kid again. Le’Veon Ball is back! Gostkowski’s back! I picked up Engram this week for the Giants game. He’s the TE built for this kind of match up. And, I picked up my sleeper selection DeVante Parker. He’s playing through an injury, but I think I’m going to see some great numbers from this guy.
Jay: I figured this would be the outcome vs. Sean. Not cause his team’s good, just cause all my big dogs were on the bench. I mean I don’t know if you can truly call this a “win” for Sean when my guys weren’t even playing. It’s cool, we’ll throw some crumbs to these lesser teams ever so often. Welp, this week, back on the win wagon as I face off against Mike. I gotta say, it’s nice when you see Kane or Mike on the schedule. They’re slump busters. BTW, STILL IN FIRST PLACE! Good that everyone’s looking up to me in the standings, easier for them all to kiss my ass!