Which Planet is Best, You Ask? I Ranked Them All Because It's Friday
Of the billions of choices, the likelihood that any of the planets in our solar system, much less our own planet, being in even the top one hundred in the universe is ridiculously small. Obviously, I’m ranking the planets that orbit our sun. Neil DeGrasse Tyson is great and all, but this is all the astrophysics you need to sound informed at your next gathering of friends.
8) Uranus is the worst. Because cheap jokes get cheap laughs. Quit being so lazy, Ass!
7) Mars. Gigantic let down. I can understand if there aren’t little green men running around, but nothing? No life? Not even a little bacteria? Fahck you!
6) Mercury. Fish poisoning. What a jerk. ‘Nuff said.
5) Jupiter. For real, Jupiter? You need that much space? It’s like our solar system is the bus, and you’re the manspreading jackhole taking up a seat a pregnant woman could be using. How many more planets could support life in our solar system if you weren’t so inconsiderate?
4) Neptune. Finally! The upper 50th percentile. Strongest winds recorded on any planet, very nice! Points deducted for not having any cools towns worth destroying, though. Talk to me when you got a New Orleans, buddy!
3) Earth. Look, not every planet can support life, and that’s worth something! Pretty special stuff. Not all the life is great; one species in particular seems especially full of itself. But, really good work otherwise.
2) Saturn. Crappy cars, awesome planet. The rings! No one can get over how cool they are. And plus, they look like giant ears. Cool with giant ears, hmmmmm…you’re like the Barack Obama of planets!
1) Pluto. Because I’m making the list, and if you’re the type of planet that needs a special modifying word, it makes you the most special! Dwarf planet! Don’t let anyone shit on the dwarf part either, because you’re only small compared to other planets. You’re huge compared to those assholes with opinions! Also, fahck Venus!