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Worthless Of The Week – FedEx Customer Service

Worthless Of The Week – FedEx Customer Service
Big Irish Jay

I know, I know, I know. “You’re beating a dead horse Jay…” I KNOW! But I gotta… I GOTTA.

Customer service I’d say CONSERVATIVELY is shit, 85% of the time. From the 87 different options to press to finally get to a live person, to the person you actually talk to that is in India but somehow named “Bobby”, to the rep that IS in the US but hates their company, hates their job and hates you for calling in. They almost ALL suck.

So my most recent great Customer Service experience was with good ol’ FedEx. THESE DUMMIES! Before I get into this, know I never swore on this call, never called anyone names. I ordered some hoodies from Fanatic, Red Sox, Celtics, Pats the holy trinity of sports teams. I get an email 10/1 telling me they’ve shipped, here’s your FedEx tracking number. I put the ol’ # in at and see “Scheduled delivery: Sat 10/07/2017 by end of day”. Ok, great. Only problem, It’s being shipped to an address that ain’t open on Saturday. So I think ‘Ok cool, I’ll just call FedEx, tell them to hold it or see if they can reroute it to my home address, seems simple enough…” DOES IT?

I call FedEx, sped about 20 minutes saying my tracking number into the automated system and SCREAMING into the phone “CUSTOMER SERVICE CUSTOMER SERVICE CUSTOMER SERVICE” about 50 times. Finally Dave the dipshit gets on. I explain my situation “hey, nobody’s at that address on Saturday, so can I have you hold it at the FedEx office or reroute to my house?” Dave tells me first “oh, well that package hasn’t been picked up yet”. Uh…. what? I tell him “see on the tracking it says it arrived at FedEx on 10/2 in Ohio and 10/4 it’s in New Mexico…?” to which Dave replies “oh, oh yeah…” GREAAAAT. I guess I now work for FedEx.

He then tells me “Oh, you’ll need to contact the United States Postal Service”.


Dave goes on to tell me “USPS is gonna deliver that, so you need to contact them. I ask for a supervisor. The supervisor comes on, we’ll call him… Kevin the Cocksucker. Kevin with his snarky fahking voice tells me “because of how it was shipped, USPS is delivering it and it’s not gonna be delivered to you Saturday, that’s just when it gets to USPS.”


Apparently when something is shipped FedEx, it can then be delivered by USPS. I have no idea how this works, which I explained to Kevin The Cocksucker. I told him “Why does Fed say guaranteed delivery Saturday?” to which he says “it is, guaranteed to USPS”. Look dummy. I tell him “Great, I didn’t request this shipped to USPS, I requested it shipped to me, why wouldn’t your website say this when I’m tracking. So this tracking number is pretty much pointless as a customer, because I’ll put it in and see “Guaranteed delivery Saturday” then Saturday when it doesn’t show up, what?” This asshole tells me “Oh you’d just call us”. GREAT, more dealing with FedEx. He also said there’s nothing he can do to hold the package or reroute because it’s going to USPS and I have to wait till Saturday when the “Scheduled Delivery day of Saturday” will be changed, call USPS and work out whatever I need to do then.

I try and explain to this asshole, for customers, wouldn’t it make sense to put all this info on the tracking page? so customers aren’t confused? so customers aren’t expecting their package on a date that is listed as the “Scheduled Delivery day” ON their GODDAMN website? He says “Oh if you go to x, y, z of the website and traverse this maze of horse shit, you MIGHT be able to figure this out”. I told him “yea, I could also apply for a job with FedEx, go through the training and then maybe understand your hidden policies and procedures, but I don’t have time for that and Dave the Dipshit who works there didn’t even know how to read your stupid fahking tracking page, so how would you expect a customer?”

He didn’t have much to say after that, went into the Customer Service cruise control of “well sir, there’s nothing else I can tell you, is there something else I can help you with…” Sure, can you go fahk yourself? So Saturday, I guess I’m calling the USPS to tell me how many more days I’ll have to wait or what the FAHK I’m doing.


So FedEx’s customer service is my Worthless of the Week. FAHK EM


For the record, T-Mobile customer service. AMAZING. I can honestly say I’ve had nothing but great customer service from them. I love em. They’re the Worthy of the Week. “Tee Hee”

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