Rough Draft Fantasy Football: Week Four
Hooligans (Jay’s Team) vs. Nun but a Tree Thing (Mike’s Team)
92.68 – 84.40
Jay: Another game vs. Mike, another “W”. No big surprise here. Not much to write on this, seeing how I predicted the win, I mean it’s Mike’s team. These guys would have trouble making a scab team during the NFL strike. I may pick up some of Mike’s guys to bring my team water, towels, you know, put them to work. I’m still tied for first place, (although the guy I’m tied with for 1st place, I ALREADY BEAT, so in a tie breaker, we know who the REAL #1 is). This week I play Kane and I’m looking for revenge as his is the only team that’s beat me this year and his only win (ouch). Should be another “cruise control” game as I prepare for the REAL game in 2 weeks as I declaw the paw. This game’s basically my warm up and much like Hugh Hefner, this “Playboy” will be DOA.
Mike: APPARENTLY I CAN’T WIN GAMES. This is bothering me. Russell had a good week, that’s nice. It never feels good when a player on the bench would’ve won. I’m sorry Fournette. This is generally the worst fantasy football feeling in the world. I would’ve been happier knowing there was nothing I can do! Also, where were you Ajayi, Baldwin, Rudolph, and JULIO JONES?!?!?! My team depends on you staying healthy and being the best wide receiver in the NFL bae! My tight ends in general are very weak (and I’m not talking about football WAKAWAKAWAKAWAKA). I’m looking to pick someone else up this week depending on the matchup. This is so stressful. My team is so bad I can’t even talk shit. All I know is when I stage my mid-season comeback these ding-dongs are gonna feel the heat! Jay won’t stay out of the kitchen though…he’s fat…you get it? Is this blog post on?
LA Paw (Sean’s Team) vs. Kano the Playboy (Kane’’s Team)
159.06 – 79.72
Sean: Wow. Talk about a rough draft! The Paw DESTR-OYED the league, putting me back in first place above Jay’s knucklehead group of jerks. Kane’s team struggled all weekend while the Paw saw the highest-scoring game of the season. Todd Girley has been killing it for me. I through Golden Tate out and replaced him with the Pat’s Chris Hogan. Best move I could have made. DeSean Jackson saw his last game in the second week when I swapped him out with Keenan Allen. Another top-level move by a confident, handsome team owner. Le’Veon Bell has been all numbers since I brought him over a couple weeks ago and at this point, each player has a specific job to do and is the best at it. I’m up against Mike’s Nuns this week. It’s predicted to be a pretty close matchup. 116.46 – 100.59, the Paw. And I have a secret hiding away in my back pocket that I’m about to spring on everyone that will turn this league on it’s head. Oh, and by the way…. FIRST PLACE!!!!
Kane: Whoa, talk about a steel toed boot up my asshole from a faceless monster. The Broncos pull out a win with, what? Seiman, CJ, Sanders and Demaryius Thomas did…. Wait for it….. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How can your best receivers spend most of the game throwin a middle finger to my high school year book picture and pull a W? Cameron Brate over in Tampa over performed but everyone else stuck their dicks in their own ass, then collapsed in on themselves. Sean’s LA PAWs fist fucked me by doubling the points over my team, WE GET IT SEAN! You won, I lost, did you have to kick me while I was down, then kick me down a hill just to kick me when I was even further down? Seiman, 49ers D, McManus are gone, while Denver and New Orleans have a bye. So I have to study to pull out some semblance of a victory for week five against the Irish walking tree from Lord of the Rings. FUCK!!! Joe Mixon, what kinda name is Mixon? “Hey Joe, go on ahead and start Mixon up the points, Kane don’t giv a darn.”