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MOVIE REVIEW – Blade Runner 2049: Snooze Fest 24/7

MOVIE REVIEW – Blade Runner 2049: Snooze Fest 24/7
Mitch Burrow

I watched Blade Runner 2049 twice this week just to make sure I wasn’t wrong about how I felt after my initial viewing.

 

Blade Runner 2049 is going to get at least five Oscar nominations, and those five categories are all reasons why I hated this movie. Before I start, please understand that I really watched it twice. I had to fight off the attempted induced coma two nights in a row just to make sure I didn’t like this movie. I went to war in 2003. Sitting in the theater a second time for this film felt like much more of a sacrifice. You’re welcome.

SPOILERS AHEAD

And the Nominees Are… Best Actress in a Supporting Role, Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Cinematography, and Best Score. These are all categories that Blade Runner 2049 will get nominated for, and only one of these is deserved which I will go into first. There are no surprises in this film. It isn’t visually stunning, and the story does not grab you. There are a few nice tributes to the original, but overall the popcorn will be the most enjoyable part of your evening.

I have no doubt that Sean Penn’s ex-wife will be nominated after this performance. Quite frankly, I’m still in shock that she wasn’t even nominated in 1987 for her role in The Princess Bride. Hollywood owes her big. The problem is she’s portraying a bossy bitch, and I don’t feel like that is much of a stretch from her role in House of Cards. There’s a moment when her characters displays sympathy, and it almost appears as if it goes against everything in her nature to act this way. The divorce from Spicoli must have been a tough one.

 Ana de Armas will also get a nomination for best actress in a supporting role. She absolutely deserves it, and I’m not just saying that because she shows her tits. I mean, yeah, that will almost always get my vote, but she does more than that. She takes the only truly lifeless character in the film, and she makes it the only one you care about. Initially, her character is nothing more than what it is, and AI program to help remove someone’s loneliness. Throughout the course of the film she becomes a true partner. Loving, supportive, and devoted. Hey, Joslin, maybe you could learn something from this fictional character.

I’m so happy that Hollywood is trying to prove they aren’t too white because there’s no way this movie will get Best Picture with the only minority character only lasting two scenes (Ana looks white so she won’t help). This movie is pretentious, and it takes itself seriously enough to be considered for a best picture nomination. It doesn’t deserve to take it home, however, and I’m hoping that having all these white people in it will cause Hollywood to do the right thing. Now look, I’m not saying that is  why it shouldn’t win. I’m just saying that is why it won’t. Thank you SJWs. The Enemy of My Enemy.

Ryan Gosling is the Best Actor in this movie. There’s no denying that. Bautista has a really great scene, and it makes you wonder why he hams up his role in Guardians of the Galaxy so much. With more screen time I really think Bautista could have scored a Best Supporting nomination. Jared Leto is so over the top in his role as Wallace. And though I didn’t really care whether any characters other than Ana de Armas’ lived, Jared’s character is the only one that I was truly hoping to die. He is so overly dramatic that it’s makes the scenes he is in almost laughable. With a cast surrounding Ryan like this, he is definitely the shining star in a dim sky.

Speaking of “dim”, this movie is dark. I don’t mean the tone of the film, I mean that it is hard to see what is going on in the movie sometimes. This will receive a Best Cinematography nomination, because it’s artistic. Art sucks though. The lighting and the colors really bothered me throughout the film. Not one scene looked comfortable. If we can’t get decent interior lighting in 32 years then there is no way that I’m going to believe that we have created a fake human species.

This movie is loud. It had me asking myself, “how old am I?” because I kept getting genuinely annoyed at the volume level of the music throughout the film. When this movie is released to dvd, blu-ray,and digital there are going to millions of volume control buttons breaking across the nation due to excessive use. They speak at a very reasonable level throughout the film, but as soon as the music starts it feels like there is an orchestra performing in the row right behind you. Honestly, the gun fire and explosions weren’t that much louder than the conversations as compared to the music. It shouldn’t even be a problem that we have to tolerate. Every week “We’re With Them” is released to it’s millions of fans on this very network. We have sound effects, heated discussions, and sometimes a barking dog. Not one of those things is an auditory disturbance because we use the program “The Levelator” to make sure the audio is even across the board. Are you telling me that with a $150,000,000 budget these assholes couldn’t afford a free program to prevent busting my goddamn eardrums?

I liked this movie at times. The opening scene was fantastic. There were some nice tributes to the original, and there were titties sporadically placed throughout the film. It was just too long. It felt like I was watching the director’s cut of an already pretentious film. I feel like there is a good (bad) half-hour of this film that didn’t need to be there. If you’re a fan of the original nothing I say will prevent you from watching this movie. Go watch it. Agree with everything I’ve said, and if you don’t agree then you can comment below with your inaccurate rebuttal. If you aren’t a fan of the original then go watch It again or Kingsman: The Golden Circle. Go watch something fun and not some pretentious wannabe film noir.

 

Score: 4

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