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DUAL MOVIE REVIEW – Mother!

DUAL MOVIE REVIEW – Mother!
Big Irish Jay

BIG IRISH JAY’S REVIEW: What a pile of turds. Kane & I went into this with different attitudes. I had read so many bad reviews, I went in thinking this was going to be AWFUL and I wanted to just see how bad. Kane went in hoping it was going to be great and there would be lots and lots of questions at the end, just to piss me off.

Well, there were NO questions left other than who greenlit this dud. So, let me just get it out of the way now.

SPOILERS

First off, the camera shoots about 1 foot from Jennifer Lawrence’s face, 90% of the movie. This would be great if you were in to beheadings, otherwise, back it up a bit camera guy. This movie is just one persons take on Christianity. The house is Earth, the husband is God, Jennifer Lawrence is the Virgin Mary, Ed Harris & his lady are Adam & Eve, their sons are Kane & Able. It’s just spoon fed to you through the movie. WE GET IT ALREADY JEEEEEEEEEZUS CHAAAARIST! I don’t wanna even get into details about this movie cause it’s just so bad. The jist of it, JL’s husband (God) plays a poet (prophet) who writes a Poem (The Bible) that has meaning to everyone in different ways (faith) so all these fans (followers) all bombard JL’s house (Earth) to be with the Poet (God). There’s like 500 people in this house. There’s partying, fighting, police, military, sex EVERYTHING happening in this house, because that’s what happens on Earth. War, sex, drugs etc… JL gets pissed all these strangers are in her house, so she tells her Husband (God/Poet) to make them all go away, he tells her he doesn’t want them too. She finally has her baby (Jesus), God Poet shows the baby (Jesus) to his fans (followers/Christians), they start handing the baby around, above these 100s of people, the baby’s neck breaks, then they eat the baby (body of christ), then JL freaks out, and kills herself and burns down the house (Earth). Her husband (God) takes her heart out of her chest, and resets the house and a new woman is in the house and it’s the beginning of starting all over again. END CREDITS.

Kane stands up, slow claps a standing ovation and then I go take a “Mother!” in the bathroom and leave.

JAY’S FINAL SCORE: 1

I WANT you to see this movie. I WANT EVERYONE TO SEE THIS MOVIE. It is THE worst and if you go into it with that attitude, you’ll LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH.


KANE HOLLOWAY’S REVIEW: I’m having a hard time coming up with a way to open this review. Mother! The marketing for the movie is like any big budget, star powered, high profile director project a studio puts out; misleading. The first trailer you see, makes it seem like it’s a horror movie by Darren Aronofsky, in the way “The Happening” was marketed. “The first R rated M. Night Shyamalan movie….” ooooh! The Happening could have been a close up of a finger digging into an asshole, pull back and it’s M. Night Shyamalan, twist!!! The second marketing ploy for Mother! “The only movie that will mess you up for life!” Well okay, it fuckin better or I want Jay’s money back. Do not make promises, you cannot keep Paramount Pictures. I better be dragged out of the theater kicking and screaming. There had better be a piss puddle under my chair from my reality being shattered, not being able to recognize myself in the mirror. If I leave the theater wanting to reconcile with my dad and get a full time job, then the movie didn’t do what it promised. Neither of those things happened so I guess this movie is right down the middle of the road. Most the reviews and word of mouth you hear about Mother! That this movie is all your interpretation. I think it’s very clear what this movie is about. It has a message and here it is.

SPOILERS

The Message – Religion and people are killing Mother Earth! Oh boy O’Berto. It’s not evident until the last half of the movie, but by then it’s soooooooo heavy handed, you realize who all the characters are and their purpose.

The Story – Jennifer Lawrence is Mother! But who she? She Mother Earth! She’s living with her loving, but distant husband played by Javier Bardem, in this huge Victorian home (not sure it’s Victorian, just wanted to use it here, come at me!) Javier, who he? He a respected poet, with writer’s block. But who he? He God. The home, well it’s planet fuckin Earth you godless whore. God wants to create, but can’t. Sitting in his study, a crystal that only he can touch, does that come into play later, I don’t know, but it does. Mother! She’s perfectly content rebuilding this house after the fire that ravaged it, the Big Bang maybe. Who knows? Only Darren and me know, so pay attention. Out of nowhere a stranger comes to the door, played by Ed Harris, him and God get along great, but he doesn’t seem to respect Mother! Or the home she’s trying to maintain. Then Ed Harris’s wife comes to the home, did he mention a wife? No, but here she is and she’s a bitch. Michelle Pfeiffer is the wife and she won’t listen to Mother! Treating the house just as disrespectfully as Ed was. The crystal in the study, from before, neither Michelle nor Ed are allowed to touch it, very precious to God. Michelle and Ed disobey Mother!’s warning and the crystal breaks, God gets pissed and banishes them from the study. HHHHMMMMMMMMmmmmmmm!! I GET IT! The movie moves on like that throughout its run time, they make reference to Kane and Able (TEAM KANE) the great flood and the apocalypse. Once God and Mother! Fuck, look out! She gets pregnant, with, take a guess, and now God’s writer’s block is gone. He finally writes his new(we get it) masterpiece that will repair him, Mother!, and the home they built. Everything is wonderful and quiet, just the way Mother! Likes it. Oh, hold on, it’s not over yet. God’s new poem got out to the masses. Well fuck, now hordes of believers and non believers come in droves to see, read, touch and be around God. All while trashing the house and disregarding and endangering a pregnant Mother! Chaos ensues, and it is crazy! Wars are fought in the home, Mother! Is beat up and distraught. She finally gives birth to, you know who, and loses trust in God to take care of their baby boy. Once the baby is born the fighting stops, the people just want to see the baby, but Mother! Ain’t havin’ it. Mother! Drops her guard for a second, boom, God takes the baby to show to the people. The people take the baby, in one of the most horrifying scenes I’ve seen in awhile, Mother! chases after her baby to protect it, but too late, the baby is dead and the people are eating him (we get it!). That’s it, Mother! Is done with humanity. God pleads with her to forgive them (WE GET IT) but she is done with being second place to those monsters, so she blows the house up, killing everyone in it except God. God takes Mother!’s heart out, creates a new crystal and starts over.

Verdict – The camera’s fixation on Jennifer Lawrence was my favorite part, it never left her perspective. Any movie that takes a sharp shot at religion is okay in my book. However, the last half of the movie, showing the evil that men do, was so thick and rich I got diabetes. Darren is right on the money with his symbolism, people suck and the world is trying to kill us. It’s better than Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ,” where he filmed his hands nailing Jesus to the cross, to show that he is sinful. “Passion two,” is going to be animation over the Mel Gibson tapes where he screams at his wife and yells racial slurs and admits to hitting her. Darren’s symbolism is right in front of you! Just watch the news or read your Facebook feed. Mother! Is going to take us out and I’m hoping for Mad Max Fury Road to take place, so I can thrive. With all that said, this movie is the greatest movie of the year. I laughed, I furrowed my brow, Jay and I talked about it all the way home. Go out and experience it with your Mother! Then apologize for being a religious zealot and having your friends over to trash the house in the name of God.

KANE’S FINAL SCORE: 9

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