Rough Drafts W3: This Might End Our Personal / Professional Relationships
LA Paw (Sean’s Team) vs. Hooligans (Jay’s Team)
113.22 – 148.12
Jay: Welllllll, Welllllll, Wellllll… Looookie, lookie here. The week started off with Gurley going absolutely NUTS for Sean. 32.9 POINTS on Thursday night! So going into the weekend, I’ll be honest, I was worried. I forgot. I forgot I got TOM FAHKING BRADY on my team who went out and dropped 35.72 POINTS! Brandon Cooks finally woke up for me and dropped a cool 27 and with this win, I now have the highest single week point total. (SUCK IT KANE!) When all was said and done, big daddy was back where he belongs, atop the league in first place overall. This week I have a tough match… oh wait, it’s Mike’s team. Nevermind. Add another “W” for this week as Mike band of dipshits are coming to town. See ya next week 4-1!
Sean: Wow. Talk about a rough draft! There goes my winning streak. Greeeaaaaat. I’ve got to be honest. I thought I could bring this one home. Gurley DESTROYED it on Thursday and set me up pretty nice against Jay’s dumb team. But, then the GOAT brought his usual god-like precision and killed the Paw. I decided to pull DeSean Jackson out at the last minute, but even if I would have left him in I would have taken the L. I’m going to stick with the Seahawks for the next couple weeks and see how things go. Last week was a total disgrace. But, this is their MO.
I’m up against Kano the Playboy this week which I feel pretty good about. It’s a pretty close game but I’m fully stacked and ready to battle. As for that ‘Big Daddy’ talk out of Jay; Gross. It’s just as bad to read it as it is to hear it. I hope that cocky talk and demeaning tone throws a bad omen over his team and Mike comes back with a get-back-where-you-belong upset.
Nun but a Tree Thing (Mike’s Team) vs. Kano the Playboy (Kane’s Team)
88.62 – 64.70
Mike: Just when I thought all hope was lost, a chainsaw-wielding nun angel appears out of nowhere and magically reminds Russell Wilson how to play football. The only other player that really helped me this week was Doug Baldwin. LOOK AT MY BEAUTIFUL OCEAN RAPTORS! When Doug Baldwin and Russell Wilson get together they create the kind of magic that only happens when you save sex for marriage. The best/worst part of this is the rest of my team was completely underwhelming. So in summation, Kane’s a loser. I’m a winner. I can go out this week with my head held high and not have to change my name again.
Kane: What, in the devil’s studded fist shaped dildo, HAPPENED? I was projected to wipe the floor with Mike’s smile, then Michael Crabtree shucks half a point before getting his chest caved in. Skittles Lynch, I mean, I played pool with you man! I literally played pool with Marshawn Lynch, one time, and 18 rushing yards is what he does. Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaat! Chris Johnson wasn’t projected as my peak point producer but he managed to be surprisingly shitty also. My shining light continues to be Drew “Light” Brees and the boys in Denver, who gave me my strongest numbers, but still under produced. The only constant is the injuries that plague my team; Randall Cobb, Gronkowski, David Johnson, the aforementioned Crabtree. My team’s walk out music is “Hurt” by Johnny Cash. I was still looking good before that short, virgin in Seattle, Russell Wilson, moonwalked all over that Tennesse field, to somehow come out a loser and a winner simultaneously. Whatever, I’m throwing C.J Anderson in to show Marshawn how to run a FUCKING ball in the that big wasteland called an ENDZONE! I also picked up DeVante Parker in Miami and Joe Mixon in Cincinnati to rock some deep catches and pick up a W against the faceless ass that is “Off Mic” Sean.