Podaholics Presents: Rough Draft Fantasy Football
Here at Podaholics, we’re all about the opportunity to humiliate each other. That’s why we’ve started a four team fantasy football league! Watch these four teams of NFL superstars with morons for owners. Since there are only four teams, our teams are stacked. We just did our draft and here’s how it turned out for everyone.
First in the Draft: Kano the Playboy – Kane’s Team
01. (1) David Johnson (Ari – RB)
02. (8) Rob Gronkowski (NE – TE)
03. (9) Marshawn Lynch (Oak – RB)
04. (16) C.J. Anderson (Den – RB)
05. (17) Drew Brees (NO – QB)
06. (24) Demaryius Thomas (Den – WR)
07. (25) Michael Crabtree (Oak – WR)
08. (32) Emmanuel Sanders (Den – WR)
09. (33) Frank Gore (Ind – RB)
10. (40) Randall Cobb (GB – WR)
11. (41) Tyreek Hill (KC – WR)
12. (48) Trevor Siemian (Den – QB)
13. (49) Derrick Henry (Ten – RB)
14. (56) Houston (Hou – DEF)
15. (57) Brandon McManus (Den- K)
Kane: I like the Broncos, sue me. I did forget to hop on in time but that was because it’s all part of the game baby. These nut sacks don’t have a clue who’s coming for em. Drew Brees is my captain rowing to the land of winners, with Emmanuel Sanders catching and McManus kicking like a surprised horse I’m unstoppable.
Mike: Kane’s strongest pick was his first, where the computer chose RB David Johnson because Kane couldn’t figure out how to enter the draft lobby in time. I don’t know about his decision to pick up Gronk as his second pick, but he did snag Drew Brees and CJ Anderson.
Jay: Fahking Kane. Guy can’t figure out how to get in the draft room even though he had an hour to get in there, so the computer auto-drafts a M.A.S.H. unit for him. David Johnson’s hurt, Gronk will be by week 6 (GOD I HOPE NOT…), Marshawn I love but he’s been gone for a year and who knows what’s gonna happen after the time off, so that body may have gone brittle and Frank Gore & Michael Crabtree should BOTH be collecting Social Security at this point. Gonna be a LONG year for Kane and a LOT of pickups I think. I give Kane a B for now, but can move dependant on the injuries. They stay healthy, it bumps to a B+, they get hurt, F.
Sean: Complete garbage. I’d be embarrassed to call this my team. I’d rather admit to being the mastermind behind the Daraprim price increase than call this group of losers my teammates. David Johnson? Great pick, Yahoo. Kane needed that. But, Derrick Henry? This guy has only seen success in practice when the pressure’s off and has been a complete let down in pre-season. Marshawn? Love him, but those days are close to over. And Frank Gore might not get his AARP card in time to make kick-off. I agree with Yahoo’s grade for this line-up. D+.
LA Paw – Sean’s Team
01. (2) Le’Veon Bell (Pit – RB)
02. (7) Odell Beckham Jr. (NYG – WR)
03. (10) Aaron Rodgers (GB – QB)
04. (15) Todd Gurley (LAR – RB)
05. (18) Dez Bryant (Dal – WR)
06. (23) Golden Tate (Det – WR)
07. (26) Jimmy Graham (Sea – TE)
08. (31) Stephen Gostkowski (NE – K)
09. (34) Seattle (Sea – DEF)
10. (39) Dak Prescott (Dal – QB)
11. (42) Larry Fitzgerald (Ari – WR)
12. (47) Antonio Gates (LAC – TE)
13. (50) Atlanta (Atl – DEF)
14. (55) Stephen Hauschka (Buf – K)
15. (58) DeSean Jackson (TB – WR)
Sean: Options and strategy. That’s the formula of a winner. Coming into my 16th fantasy football season I have it all figured out.* The Legion of Boom is back in full effect. Le’Veon will be back for the regular season after his pre-season hold out. Gold. Speaking of Gold, Tate is going to run over everyone. Looking at the long term I’ve got Atlanta’s defense waiting in the wings to open up a container of beat-up later in the season. It makes sense Yahoo sports has given me the title of BEST DRAFT PICK. (*I’m lying, this is my first fantasy league. The fact Jay wants to call that out to make himself look better just fuels my fire. Jay’s a dick anyway.)
Mike: Sean has a good team despite the abundance of defenses. I always only choose one, but who knows? According to D3 the Mighty Ducks the best offense is a good defense.
Jay: This is the first time Sean’s done a fantasy league in ANY sport which is so crazy cause he’s a numbers guy. This team’s not bad but you can see the green on Sean from picking 2 kickers & 2 defensives… NOOB! Aaron Rodgers and Le’veon Bell are a STRONG cornerstone if Bell starts playing. I give Sean a solid B+ on his draft.
Kane: Sean is a numbers guy the way Rain Man is a good conversationalist. His team is okay but Aaron Rodgers has been playing like Brett Farve’s days as a Viking. I like his Le’veon Bell pick and I can’t wait for Golden Tate to do nothing.
Hooligans – Jay’s Team
01. (3) Tom Brady (NE – QB)
02. (6) Antonio Brown (Pit – WR)
03. (11) Jordan Howard (Chi – RB)
04. (14) Jordy Nelson (GB – WR)
05. (19) A.J. Green (Cin – WR)
06. (22) Devonta Freeman (Atl – RB)
07. (27)Travis Kelce (KC – TE)
08. (30) Brandin Cooks (NE – WR)
09. (35) DeMarco Murray (Ten – RB)
10. (38) Michael Thomas (NO – WR)
11. (43) Matt Ryan (Atl – QB)
12. (46) New England (NE – DEF)
13. (51) Justin Tucker (Bal – K)
14. (54) Christian McCaffrey (Car – RB)
15. (59) Martellus Bennett (GB – TE)
Jay: GOD, where do you start. Just CUM EVERYWHERE! Tom Brady, Antonio Brown, AJ Green, Jordy Nelson and my last pick Martellus Bennett may be the steal of the draft in the 15th round. Just CUM CUM CUM CUM CUM. And yeah, of COURSE I’m gonna take Tom Brady in the first round. HE’S TOM FAHKING BRADY are you shitting me! I give myself a solid C (A) for CUM EVERYWHERE!
Mike: WAIT, you’re telling me Humongous Celtic Jason took QB Tom Brady in the first round? No way! Didn’t see that terrible choice coming. Because of this Jay has probably the weakest group of running backs. Also, if Tom Brady gets hurt, over-inflates footballs, or tapes other teams practices he’s definitely screwed.
Kane: Jay is the George Steinbrenner of his NE fantasy team. His over inflated sense of self importance in the pats will only get him as far as dying in his 80’s. Hopefully sooner. I do like his Jordy Nelson pick, it’s the one where Jay said “they can’t all be a Patriot.”
Sean: We geeeetttttt it. NE this. Brady that. And, I LOVE the Pats, but I’m in a bad position now. I feel like Terry Schiavo’s judge. I love the team, but now I want them to flatline. I really have nothing more to say here cause Jay will just use it against me later. And, really, you should NEVER bet against the GOAT (Brady, not Jay.)
Tiger Buddies – Mike’s Team
01. (4) Julio Jones (Atl – WR)
02. (5) LeSean McCoy (Buf – RB)
03. (12) Jay Ajayi (Mia – RB)
04 (13) Mike Evans (TB – WR)
05. (20) Doug Baldwin (Sea – WR)
06. (21) Russell Wilson (Sea – QB)
07. (28) Greg Olsen (Car – TE)
08. (29) Melvin Gordon (LAC – RB)
09. (36) T.Y. Hilton (Ind – WR)
10. (37) Amari Cooper (Oak – WR)
11. (44) Marcus Mariota (Ten – QB)
12. (45) Leonard Fournette (Jax – RB)
13. (52) Mason Crosby (GB – K)
14. (53) Denver (Den – DEF)
15. (60) Kyle Rudolph (Min – TE)
Mike: I really tried to focus on running backs and wide receivers up top, but my emotions got the best of me and I took Russell Wilson in the sixth round. My Seahawks loyalty will be my downfall.
Jay: Like “Positive Mike” said, that Wilson pick is gonna fahk him. Can’t go wrong with Julio up top and LeSean (injury coming) but other than that, they’re all just meh to me. All safe picks, nothing stands out as a risk. Very bland. I give this team a B for missing Balls.
Kane: This fluffy headed, smiley butt hole is the one to look out for. His deer in the headlights is a ploy to add drop, steal and shank his way to victory. HES GOT MY DEFENSE!! Also Leonard Fournette hasn’t even heard of Leonard Fournette
Sean: I think I can wrap up this squad with a bunch of colons and periods. Russell Wilson: hurts his shoulder again in the third game. Melvin Gordon: Shit 2015 and rallied back for 2016, we’ll see if he can sustain in 2017. T.Y. Hilton: Seems like a good pick, but with Luck potentially on the PUP list for six weeks, this could really put a muzzle on Hilton’s success for the season. What I’m trying to get at is I’ve got this season wrapped, son!