Rough Draft Fantasy Football: Week One
Hooligans (Jay’s Team) vs. Nun but a Tree Thing (Mike’s Team)
79.48 – 49.62
Jay : Well, well, well, I’d love to tell you how surprised I was by week one, but I would be lying. I tried to give Mike a chance by starting Brady over Ryan and keeping Jordan Howard on my bench, but even then I STILL couldn’t keep it close. My team is just TOO GOD DAMN DOMINANT. Brady had a horrible game fantasy wise last week and the Patriots lost, which means this week THE WRATH OF GOD (Belichick) AND BRADY (Jesus) ARE GOING TO POSSIBLY SCORE 1,000 POINTS! While these dummies were snoozing, I picked up Ezekiel Elliott AND Cooper Kupp off waivers! Look for them to take a nice bite out of Kane’s ass this week as I move to 2-0! Calling it now, I predict a win by MINIMUM 20 points!
Mike : Well, week one has happened. Two teams are triumphant and two teams are sad. While there’s still so much football to be had I have to say, as a week one loser, I feel pretty turdy. I bet on Russell Wilson and my beloved Seattle Seahawks and they really shit the bed this week. My team was so bad it warranted a name change. Tiger Buddies are out. Nuns with Chainsaws are in!
LA Paw (Sean’s Team) vs. Kano the Playboy (Kane’s Team)
70.34 – 58.84
Sean : Wow. Talk about a rough draft! After a strong start things slowly started falling apart for the LA Paw. I took a chance on Odell Beckham Jr. with his bum ankle and lost. But, I was still cool because DeSean Jackson would take up his slack. That was until the game was turned into a first week bye due to shit hurricane conditions. That left me with one WR all week. I was up against the ropes when my projected lead over Kano the Playboy flipped from 73%-27% to almost the exact opposite. But my Seahawk defense and a strong showing from Aaron Rodgers, Dez and Gurley put me over the top supplying Kano the Playboy and his crew of misfits a vicious beating. For week two against Nun but a Tree Thing: I’ve got a couple moves in my coach’s bible that will turn Mike’s losing streak into a habit. Noah’n will see it coming when I flood this game with Numbers and his team makes an embarrassing Exodus. D euteronomy.
Kane : Well, you might as well call me Walter Matthau, because this week is just like the start of The Bad News Bears. I got Skittles Lynch out in Oakland putting up okay numbers, and my other running back David Johnson getting some yards before his wrist injury. OUT UNTIL CHRISTMAS! My Houston defense sat in the back suckin their own dicks, while Tyreek Hill put up 20 points on MY BENCH! Knowing full well the McCannic is drinking a Diet Coke, laughing like a villian. My only bright spot was my two main men, Drew “Summer” Bree’s and Emmanuel “Colonel” Sanders, well that’s what I get for looking on the positive side. As a Bronco fan boy, I have the answer to Denver’s Manning problem(as well as my fantasy problem), in Trevor “Rise of the Planet of the” Siemian, also CHILLING ON MY BENCH, RACKING UP THE POINTS! It’s okay, because the answer to all my woes is the tiny headed Irishman, who is blinded by his New England roots in week two. Kano the Playboy will come back!