[EXCLUSIVE] FRAT LIKE ME: Issue #3 “Detox”
The ‘Frat Like Me’ Issues are a series of real stories compiled from the college years of several of my friends, myself and writers associated with this website. We all engaged in some really stupid behavior, the hilarious consequences of which will finally be spoken of here. No, relatively few of us were “Frat” or “Bro” enough to make it into the cookie cutter Fraternities on many college campuses, but that never stopped us from “being awesome” in the heat of the moment and living life to the fullest for those glorious years known as COLLEGE.
If you’ve followed the other Issues of FRAT LIKE ME, you’ll notice alcohol was a prevalent force in my college experience. God damn right, it was! I’d like to think you learn how to ‘not act’ as an adult by drinking heavily when we’re younger. I was a heavy drinker most nights when I was in college, and still at 27 years old I’m not mature enough to have just one drink. When I was a freshman, wide-eyed and ready to ‘kind of’ take on the world, I experienced my first night in detox. This is how the Yelp review would read:
PULLMAN REGIONAL HOSPITAL
“Very short stay, intolerant staff, they kicked me out as soon as I sobered up. WTF? I’m batting a .30 BAC and you kick me out 3 hrs later? Food was awful to non-existent, I mean how the fuck am I supposed to curb drunk munchies. What’s with the catheter nurse? No foreplay? I’m a grower, not a shower, a lil embarrasing. Upside – they really didn’t call the cops, even when I was unruly. 1.5 Stars / Would not return” ~19YrOldDB
I don’t recommend ever drinking enough to get up to a .30 BAC. That’s so much alcohol coursing through your body, and that came after a few hours of my fraternity brothers trying to get me to eat something and asking “do you want to go to bed or detox, JR?” To which I invariably answered “hee haw,” so off to detox I went!
This all centered around one of the most cherished events that happens yearly in my fraternity, ‘Christmas Brotherhood’. It’s basically Secret Santa meets a Comedy Central Roast, everybody in the frat draws names out of a hat, you write a poem or song making fun of the guy you pick and you give him a fifth of his favorite alcohol. One at a time we go around in a circle and burn one another, and pass the booze around. Great night, super fun night. I won’t lie to you guys, my first Christmas Brotherhood got away from me.
The last thing I remember was my actual ‘real life’ brother handing me a bottle of awful rum, because he’s an asshole, making fun of me and then I woke up in the hospital to my friend Brian hitting me in the head with a “Get Well” balloon. Here’s what I was able to piece together from eye-witness accounts:
JR drinks a ton. Like ‘so much’ fucking alcohol.
It’s comes time for JR to read his poem in front of the, JR is held up by two brothers, another reads his poem, while JR keeps pointing while saying “yeah…yeah…” (There is still video of this somewhere)
It’s noted shortly after this by several other brothers, “Hey, JR is really drunk… We should get him to eat something,” also “Hey JR, do you want to go to bed or detox?”
I answer, “Hee Haww” – JR is taken to the Hospital.
I’ll say this about the choice of detox center, you never want to go to a University Hospital, unless that’s your only choice. If you go to a city or regional hospital, they don’t have to report it to the College or Police, so no strike goes on your record. Very smart move on behalf of my brothers.
If you’re familiar with eastern Washington, you know the winters are horrible. It wasn’t enough that I was laying in a hospital bed, locating within a hospital, that sits on top of a huge hill. Nope. This is what came up – “Why the fuck aren’t we sledding down this fucking hill? JR’s gonna be fine, he’s at a HOSPITAL now…” So a phone call went out to one of the guys’ sober girlfriends.
No time to talk babe, this is serious.
Baby, what’s wrong?
Do you know Nick’s little brother JR? He’s in the hospital…
Oh my god! JR! Is he ok? Is he gonna be ok?
Babe, I need you to do something really important for me ok? Are you listening?
Oh my god, oh my god… Yes, I’m listening…
I need you to go over to the house-
And you need to go into the library-
and I need you to grab the sleds from there-
And bring them to the hospital because we really wanna sled on the hill out front…
This was a real conversation that occurred while I was in my hospital room, naked, on all fours on top of my bed with a catheter going inside my body. The nurse was kind enough to talk me down and then tell all my friends out front. I came out of my blackout mid sentence, talking about how much I liked the lamp in the room. There were several of my fraternity in the room with me when the nurse came in to remove my catheter. Long metaphor short, if you want to ruin someone’s night, remove a catheter from their penis in front of all their friends.
I had no idea what was going on, the nurse informed me that she would be removing my catheter and that, “wouldn’t be revealing anything to my friends,” who later told me they saw the entire thing. At first it felt like a small tug, not bad at all – followed by the worst searing ripping pain I’ve ever felt inside of my dick that could only be described as, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” (which is what I yelled at the nurse).
What’s not explained to a drunk person when they go through such a traumatic experience, is that afterward when they try to urinate, it will come with more difficulty and pain than they’ve ever experienced. Oh! And the burning sensation! Let me tell you about the burning sensation!! Even still drunk and mostly numb, it was enough to buckle my knees in the bathroom at the hospital while I was leaving. Why did all this happen? Because drinking is awesome. What else are you supposed to do after going through D.A.R.E and being told all your life drinking and drugs are bad… You’re going to do all the stupid things you’ve wanted to do. If you were constantly told not to jump out of a plane riding a flaming motorcycle, wearing nothing but goggles and a parachute, you’re sure as shit going to find a buddy with a plane who hates motorcycles is what you’re going to god damn do. Live life.
I know this whole story sounds super awful, and my fraternity brothers kind of look like dicks, but here’s the thing, what if I was drinking by myself in a dorm room? I totally could have turned out to be that kid, who drank too much and didn’t have anyone looking out for him, which is one of the many upsides to having gone through college in a fraternity.
Have a story where you partook in something really stupid when you were younger? Post it below with some contact info and we’ll reach out, maybe it’ll make the cut for FRAT LIKE ME. OR tweet your best drunk/college story to @berardjr #fratlikeme.
Tune in next time for Issue #4: “Locked Out”